The Plunge Blog

Okay. Here's one of those times when the question itself is longer, more bizarre, and more interesting than the answer itself. 

Need to kill a few minutes?  Want some weird perspective on how other relationships are working (or not working)?  Then read the entirety of this reader's query.

(Warning: this is sorta borderline NSFW. If you're under 17, go somewhere else.)

I have a mental problem (who doesn't) about this issue.  I haven't really cheated on my fiancée but herein lies my dilemma.

At a recent party in which everyone was pretty trashed enjoying themselves, I spent a little too much intimate time with a friend.

The problem comes when this friend (who is single) makes a little playful pass...just poking fun at the topic; I'm assuming she's testing the waters because I mentioned in casual conversation that I could use a little release, considering it had been a while since I'd been with my fiancée. 

Now that she (and I) have a little liquid courage, I told her that I give massages, and she asked if backs/shoulders was my "specialty".  At first I said "woah now", but joked because I don't want to push people away or be an asshole in any situation with good friends.  We talk a little as people are leaving my house (party HQ), and I rub the muscles around her knee and up her leg a little, and as I get higher she starts getting into it. 

I reach her hip and she kind of jumps and says it tickled.  I back off because of obvious moral dilemma.  She ends up lying on my couch, and I'm sitting in a chair next to it, running my fingers through her hair.  She is definitely showing interest and I caress her face and neck, and she's very into it. 

I trace her lips and she sucks on my fingers.  At this point, I definitely want to, but I know I can't...I feel horrible while it's happening.  A random friend of ours was passed out on my other couch, and as he shuffles and kind of wakes up we straighten up and watch the TV that was on.  When he's asleep, she tells me "we don't have to do anything more if you don't want to."  I thank whatever Gods may be for her moral fortitude, and the fact that the next day she acted like 1-nothing happened, and 2-didn't have any residual dislike/anger at what happened.

My main problem is this. 

This friend is very sexy: long jet-black hair, in shape, and definitely a freak.  I would never cheat on my fiancée (of course) and have sex with her...but since this event, I've wanted to go down on this friend so hard my mind is ripping apart with not wanting to do anything disloyal, but wanting to have this single occasion of disregard and release. 

I believe my friend is feeling the same way, meaning she's not looking to try a relationship with me or fu#k up my current relationship with my fiancee...just a sexual release because she's not in a relationship/hasn't been in a sexual relationship in a little while.

I've heard before that "eating's not cheating", but at the same time I'm not stupid enough to believe it.  I've been with my fiancée for 5+ years, since college at UT, and haven't ever cheated or even tried to with anyone. I'm feeling that monogamous stress that goes against the base animal nature, and feel like if I did this, it would help me out in the long run...but there's no telling which head is thinking on this one. 

I know that regardless (if I end up going down on this sexy friend or not), I won't entertain such ideas with any other woman...that's just how sexy this friend is and the sort of opportunity that's plaguing my mind (as cliche as that sounds).  We've been engaged since February of this year, and will be getting married some time in 2011 after I finish grad school.

Any advice is definitely appreciated, and I'm sorry for ranting like a madman about this; my mind is pretty preoccupied over the situation/options before me (this friend is the exception to the rule...and just an overwhelmingly great person). 

Do it or don't, tell my fiancée if it happens or don't?  Tell her about the initial fooling around or don't?  After all of this, I also feel that telling her would truly hurt more than help...

Thanks a lot for everything on your site, by the way,

[Redacted]

_______

Let's start with the good news. You can write. We encourage you to keep up your writing and, perhaps, write some letters to Penthouse Forum. Seriously, keep it up. You just wrote The Plunge's very first chunk of soft-core porn.

The answer to this question is pretty obvious. So we'll be brief. 5 quick observations, in no particular order:

1. Eating's not Cheating. We'd love to bless that law and spread the gospel, except there's only one tiny little problem: with all due respect to Jackie Chiles ("If the glove don't fit, you must acquit!"), just because something rhymes doesn't make it true. "Eating's not cheating" has the same logical coherency as "Beating's not Cheating," "Kissing is like Pissing," or "Rats eat Cats!" or "If she ain't in the room, I ain't no groom."

To be more blunt? Let's say your girlfriend tells you that she has something really important to say, a confession. You get nervous. She says, timidly, "So.... I didn't have sex with a guy, but I just gave him a blowjob." Do you really think your reaction will be, "Pheew!!! You only gave that dude a blowjob? Thank God, I was worried you cheated on me. After all, as the old saying goes, a boyfriend's supposed to ‘shrug-off a suck-off.'"

2. You're lying to yourself. You know that, right? You must. There is never, ever, ever, ever a logically good reason to cheat. It's not healthy. It's not a "release" that will paradoxically save your relationship. And it doesn't matter if your friend is an "overwhelmingly great person"--your girlfriend would still be (rightfully) pissed if you cheated with Mother Theresa.  If your girlfriend finds out about this, there is a 0.000000000000000000000% chance she would say, "Wait, who'd you go down on again? Jessica? Ahhww, well, shucks.  I want to be upset, but man, she's such a great gal, such an overwhelmingly great person! Baby? Sweet cheeks? I think you did us a favor. I think your ‘release' is just what we needed to move forward with our wedding. Maybe we can incorporate this into our vows?"

3. You've already crossed a line. True, to your credit (or her credit), you stopped before things escalated into wholesale infidelity, but she sucked on your fingers and you caressed her face. Is this itself cheating? We'll let our commenters debate on that, but you should know that what you've already done is not acceptable behavior. No more finger-sucking. No more massages. And maybe you should think about shutting down "party HQ." IF--and you have to be honest here--IF you look deep in your soul and think that this will never happen again, that you will never get sloppy with your friend again, that you can truly dismiss this as a one-time drunken flirtation with danger, then no, don't share this story with her. If it was truly a one-time thing, then it would hurt more than it would help. But that's a big if.

4. Premeditated is worse than a drunken mistake. This goes back to "degrees of wrongness," but what you are planning to do sounds an awful lot worse than what you might accidentally do. Both are wrong.  But planning is worse. Quick thought experiment: what do you think is more deplorable--1) getting drunk, driving your car, and accidentally running over a puppy; or 2) intentionally getting drunk so you have the liquid courage to break into a kennel and strangle some dogs? Apologies for offending any dog-lovers, but this shit's serious, and these are your moral stakes.

5. You're probably not ready to get married. There. We said it. If you're this tempted now, in the golden glow of your engagement, how do you think you'll fare in Year 7 or Year 27 of marriage? You know the math: 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Based on what you just told us, do you think your coin lands heads or tails? 

There is hope. We'll give you this: at least you have the nagging sense that what you're doing is wrong, that you shouldn't cheat, and that you're careening toward a dark place. And you wrote us--it takes some stones to spill your guts.

You're clearly a bright guy. So was Raskolnikov. But "thinking" about the moral good is different from "doing" the moral good. Don't just think about the right thing. Do the right thing.

Don't cheat on her. Promise yourself that you won't cheat. Really, really, probe deep in your heart and know that you will never, ever have a "release" besides the woman you're marrying. Internalize this. Meditate on it. Own it.

If, after all your soul-searching, you convince yourself (and be honest) that you can vanquish this demon of infidelity and that you will be faithful to your woman, then carry on with your engagement.

If you come up short? If you cross the line, or know that you'll cross the line? Lying to yourself isn't helping you or your future ex-wife.

It's all in your hands.  

Good luck. Sorry for the tough love, but, hey, that's why we're here.

-The Plunge