Wanna be a Hollywood producer? It's easy. You only have two jobs. 1) Scrounge up $10 million bucks. 2) Churn out a movie with "Wedding" in the title.
It's that simple. Don't bother reading the script. Don't bother asking... "Hmmm... will this be any good?" Don't sweat the small stuff. Instead, have the unshakable confidence that no matter what you do, no matter who you cast, no matter how god-awful the premise, you will turn a profit.
I know what you're thinking. "Yeah....but... I don't have $10 million." Good point. But there are many, many people who do. And they observe the second rule, throw in a wedding--and voila!--you have yourself a flick.
Today's outburst comes courtesy of the news that Catherine Bell and Chris Potter (who and who?) will star in "The Good Witch's Wedding," to air on The Hallmark Channel. In fairness, we suppose, this is what The Hallmark Channel does. You can't blame McDonald's for selling junky 99 cent burgers--demand creates supply.
Still. Maybe it's just because this particular movie sounds so particularly awful, but we feel that someone, somewhere, needs to take a stand. (That someone's not us, because, well, we're lazy.) From the charmingly terrible press release:
Almost as soon as Jake and Cassie decide to get married on Christmas Eve, complications arise. An ex-con, Leon Deeks (Graham Abbey, "The Border"), arrives in town, and Jake is asked by the Mayor to make him his top priority. At the same time, Jake's having trouble securing the wedding license since he can't find Cassie's documents proving her existence. There's also the difficulty in finding a wedding cake at the last minute. Last but not least, Jake's kids are upset: Brandon (Mathew Knight, "Candles on Bay Street") wants to spend time with his new girlfriend, and is feuding with his sister, Lori (Hannah Endicott-Douglas, "Samantha: An American Girl Holiday.") Meanwhile, Lori manages to lose Cassie's wedding ring. It's up to Cassie to work her magic with her family and the community in order to fix all the obstacles in time to turn the wedding into a perfect holiday celebration.
Instead, our contribution is to suggest 5 wedding movies that sound equally awful:
1. The Wedding at the End of the World
On the night before Beth (Reese Witherspoon) marries the man of her dreams (Josh Hartnett), aliens attack the planet. As chaos, blood, and the apocalypse surrounds them, will Beth and Josh be able to get to the chapel, pick up the cake, get the rings, and get married before the world is annihilated?
2. Bride Wars 2
Does anyone think this is a stretch? Does anyone think this will not happen? Sadly, Hollywood will avoid the more realistic scenario--Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson get divorced, so they have to do the whole thing over again--and instead go straight-to-video with B-actress veterans of The Hills. Anyone want to bet against this? Didn't think so.
3. Pimp My Wedding
Will Smith plays a charismatic hip-hop artist who's hired to DJ a yuppie's wedding. He comes from the wrong side of the tracks, and he's looked down upon by the upper-class British groom (Colin Firth) and the bride's father, a Senator (Al Pacino). But when the bride gives him the "Do Not Play List," she learns that sometimes, true love can be found in the unlikeliest of places...
4. Father of the Bride 7: Grandfather of the Bride
Steve Martin's at it again, as his granddaughter prepares to walk down the aisle. In a bold stroke of originality, it's the exact same script as the original Father of the Bride, with an enterprising young writer doing a find-and-replace for "Dad" to "Grandpa" and "Daughter" to "Granddaughter." The sad thing? People would pay money to watch this movie.
5. The Wedding Movie
A bride (Rachel McAdams) falls in love with a groom (Matthew McConaughey). After a rocky start, they agree to get married... but then something bad happens! It looks like all is lost---will the wedding go on? [Sigh.] When you think about it, isn't that about all the plot we get these days?
Of course, wedding movies are just one sub-genre of wedding-porn. If you haven't seen it, for our full thoughts on the subject, see: How Wedding-Porn is Brainwashing Your Fiancee.
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