Damn. We're supposed to be above these petty fights. Sometimes, though, it happens. This is how you damage-control.
My wedding is less then three months away, and one of my groomsmen just quit on me. I have known this guy for over 20 years and he is exceptionally reliable. The big problem has been that he and my fiancé don't get along. I have attempted to be moderator throughout the whole thing. It finally came to a head last night.
Our Honeymoon is in Niagara Falls (cheesy I know). This groomsman and his wife upon learning were we were going decided that it would be fun to go up there for a stress relieving vacation (not at the same time mind you a few weeks ago); this upset my Fiancé greatly; she felt that this made our wedding not unique to us. This feeling actually stems from the fact that our reception is at the same reception hall that they got married at about a year ago; not in the same room but the same hall (this apparently angered his wife quite a bit). My Fiancé sent a message to the groomsmen telling him about her feelings to which he exploded, I was able to calm him down and I was even able to get him to agree to not post pictures on a social network we are all on.
Well their vacation came and went and his wife did indeed post pictures of their vacation causing my Fiancé to "unfriend them", when he texted me to ask what was up she responded that she unfriended him because she didn't want to see the photos and felt that they were rubbing our faces in it. Again the groomsman exploded this time telling me that that was it he is out of the wedding.
At this point I'm not sure what to do. We only have three goomsmen and three bridesmaids in our party. We have had to be very diplomatic in our choices of who is in the wedding party, we have several different groups of friends so to keep the piece we chose one from each (the ones we knew the longest) but this throws a huge upset in to the mix.
Damn. This is a real pain in the ass, no? Your buddy's pissed. Your fiancee's pissed. And your mutual friends are probably pissed for being dragged into this melodrama, and on Facebook, no less! (Or I'm just guessing that Facebook is this mysterious "social network" of which you speak, maybe I'm wrong.)
Anyway. The point is, we sympathize. You're in a shitty spot. But let's work past all the emotions and back-and-forth and finger-pointing and get to the heart of the issue....what happens now?
To figure that out, we need to parse out the two, distinct, and related but independent questions:
1) Who's in the right?
2) What's your smart play?
The second question is infinitely more relevant than the first, but, for fun, we'll tackle that one, too.
1) Who's in the right?
Frankly, the only one "in the right" is the Better Business Bureau of Niagara Falls, for somehow doubling their expected revenue. You have to admit, there's a certain delicious irony. Of all the places you could think are "truly unique and your own"--undiscovered to the rest of the world--Niagara Falls doesn't exactly fit the bill. It's not like you discovered some gem of a remote island that NO ONE knows about, and then they audaciously let the world in on your little secret. It's Niagra Falls. When frickin' Clark Kent goes on a fake-honeymoon with Lois Lane in Superman II, they go to Niagara Falls. It's almost like if you had a bachelor party in Vegas, and then a buddy had a bachelor party in Vegas, and you bark at him, "Hey! Vegas is MY special place! You must have stolen that one-of-a-kind idea from me!" (To clarify: we're not knocking your choice of a honeymoon. There's a reason it's popular. You'll have an amazing time. But. You have to see where the guy's coming from, right?)
That said...if there is indeed an element of "retaliation" on behalf of your friend's wife--in other words, if they're getting back at you for copying their reception idea--then, yeah, I can see why your fiancee's ticked. Is it a reasonable request for them to embargo pictures of their own vacation? Maybe, maybe not. Probably not. It's their vacation, after all, and they have every right to share the memories with their friends. BUT. Your buddy did say that he wouldn't share the photos, and then he shared the photos.
The point is... you can finger-point all day, and this can get uglier and uglier. You can make a plausible case for all of the following:
A) They shouldn't take your Reception Copy as an insult, they should take it as a compliment. (Sincerest form of flattery, right?) The fact that you're holding the reception at the same venue means you liked their reception and had a good time. They should chill the F' out.
B) Then again...maybe you should have cleared it with them, and if they were really bothered by it, there are plenty of other reception venues and you could have gone elsewhere.
C) Then again...even if they were bothered by it, they shouldn't try and "get back" at you by beating you to the punch at Niagara Falls.
D) Then again...you could argue that, just like for the reception, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and they simply liked your idea, appreciated the genius of your hidden gem called "Niagara Falls," and wanted to share in the fun because, hell, you're friends, right?
E) Then again...maybe they should realize that even though Niagara Falls is a public (if hidden and little-known) place and even though they have the legal right to visit, maybe they should respect your honeymoon and not steal your thunder.
F) Then again...was it really justified for your fiancée to actually Un-friend them from this mysterious social networking site? Damn. That's kind of harsh, right?
G) Then again...
[YAAAAWWWWWWWWWNN.]
See what we're getting at? At this point, who the hell cares who was originally right or wrong? It's a frickin' mess. So don't dwell on the past. When they broker peace between Israel, Iran, and Pakistan, maybe they'll get to you guys.
So. Now we get to the more important (and, mercifully, shorter) question:
2) What's your smart play?
Easy. At this point, just wipe your hands clean of this, side with the bride, and move on. Pick another one of your friends and go from there.
Personally apologize to your buddy. Tell him something along the lines of, "Sorry man. I know this got spun out of control, and I don't really know how that happened. You've always been a best friend, and you'll continue to be a best friend--always..."
[Meaningful pause, eye contact, nice, hetero-man-love.]
Then you continue: "But right now, for the silly 'wedding politics,' yeah, I think it's best for you to not be in the wedding party. And then, when all this shit blows over, we'll go have some fun and we'll eventually laugh about this. Just the two of us--we'll go somewhere and hang out. I hear Niagara Falls is nice."
Good luck.
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