We didn't intend this. Honest. In fact, we're not sure what to make of it. More and more women, however, are reading and liking The Plunge. Should we be even meaner to drive them away? Up in the air. In the meantime, a self-described bridezilla writes us for help...

Here's a question from the bridezilla herself.  I need a man's opinion on this one because I already know what all the wedding porn will say (hint: it's your day/no exes at the wedding).

Here is the background:

So my fiance has this girl, we will call Emily, who he has been friends with since the 5th grade, and she is his oldest friend.  As you can imagine, at some point him and Emily crossed the line, dated, and eventually broke up.  I don't really know any details about it, except that he's mine now and I don't need to worry about her.

I trust him completely, so her stealing him isn't an issue at all.  However, Emily is so obviously still in love with him and doesn't even attempt to hide it.  She's always going on about how he's the "perfect man" and how she needs someone exactly like him and how I don't "need" him.  She also fakes like we are best friends while making snide remarks to me that he fails to notice "I should totally give you this dress I had from when I was huge like you!".

So basically, I don't like her.

No girl he's ever had has been able to stand her, so I'm not alone on this, but since she's important to him, I play nice and try my best to treat her just like I'd treat one of my friends.

So a few months ago when we got engaged, the subject of the wedding party came up.  He wanted her as a groomsman, and I wasn't thrilled with the idea (it's weird to have an ex as a groomsman).  I suggested I use her as a bridesmaid, but said if it's important to him than that's fine, and it's his day.

He quickly decided against it, and it never came up again.  Fast forward to now.  We were having lunch with her this weekend, and she announces she is the maid of honor in a wedding on the same day as ours.  Now I'm feeling a bit bad for my fiancé, but he doesn't seem too upset.  Then last night she announces to him that she's quitting the other wedding to attend ours because he's so important to her.  Awesome.

But since she is making such a big gesture, he has just decided that he wants her in the wedding party.  Not even on his side, but as a bridesmaid.  I have already chosen all my bridesmaids, and honestly... I just don't like her and don't want her next to me as I go through my wedding day.  What should I do?  Should I suck it up and let him have his way, try and get her onto his side, or put my foot down.  I feel a bit stuck!

Bridezilla,

Our response has nothing to do with this being "Your Day! Yaaaayyy!" and everything to do with the basic code of adult behavior.  Emily's actions are bullshit. She's being insensitive, disrespectful, and legally crazy in 17 states.

Kick her to the curb.

Granted, you've made things slightly more complicated by already inviting her to be a bridesmaid--understandable, but regrettable. And your airkiss-airkiss-nicey-nicey-fake-friend dynamic, while effective at maintaining group harmony, gives her actions a sliver of rationale.

Still. She should know better.

We're not saying she's a complete bitch--necessarily--but, at the very least, she's wildly self-absorbed. Anyone in her position should realize the awkwardness she's creating. She should defer to you. Period. And if she's such a "good friend" of your fiancé, she should realize that she's putting him in a difficult position, and she should recuse herself from the ceremony.

If you let her be a bridesmaid or groomsman (technically, a "groomsex"), here's how we handicap your odds:

97% chance of her creating tension for you.

85% chance of her creating tension for your fiancé.

63% chance of her subtly undercutting the ceremony or reception with snarky comments, eye-rolls, and passive aggressive behavior.

54% chance of her getting loaded at the reception and flirting with your new husband.

27% chance of her "accidentally" spilling champagne all over your wedding dress.

100% chance (if the above happens) of her reminding you that your dress is too big for her.

16% chance of her "accidentally tripping" into the arms of your fiancé.

9% chance of her "accidentally" trying to kiss him when she accidentally falls in his arms.

7% chance of, when the officiant asks if there are any objections, her screaming, "YES! HE'S MIIIINNNNNNNEEEEEEE!" and lunging for the ring, making, by comparison, Gollum look dignified.

Do you need this drama? Really? Really?

Put your foot down. And to clarify, when we say "kick her to the curb," we don't mean that you have to literally banish her from the wedding or openly be hostile. Just exclude her from the wedding ceremony.

How do you do this tactfully?

Easy. You already have an out. When she said that she was in the other wedding party, you already filled up all your slots. Simple as that. (Incidentally, this excuse has the accidental virtue of being true.)  Stick to that story. Don't make it any more complicated.

Even if she smells that something's a little off, even if she suspects that there might be space after all... so what? Better for her to be insulted than you to be ambushed.

As for your fiancé? He should get it. It's his job to get it. If not, just remind him that you love him and trust him implicitly--that's not what this is about--but that you just don't want any unnecessary melodrama. Done and done.  He has no reason to push the matter further.

And if he does? Send him to us.

Hope this helps, Bridezilla. Good luck.